Sasha Darling & The BellJar Blog — Uncategorized

I had a really intense day yesterday. I had plans to have brunch with my best guy friend. I always tend to pick really fancy expensive brunch places. I love brunch! I could never seriously date a guy that doesn’t understand the importance of a glamorous brunch. But Chris was just laid off from his job so he suggested a little mellower of a place. I had never been to Outerlands and I have heard such great things about it so I decided to try it out. It’s located in the Sunset and that’s Chris’s neck of the woods. I have always avoided this area…to me this is the land of the ex-husband and his new wife. When we arrived there was a pretty large group of people waiting for tables despite the rain. We put our name in and hid under the overhang to hide from the constant drizzle. Then began a morning of running into a million people. I saw, and we counted it…11 people that I know. A few good friends, a couple acquaintances, an awkward exchange between a boy I may have had a crush on at one time, and of course my ex-husband. We had just sat down when he walked in. He was just dropping off some dishes. He owns a store down the street so he must have gotten breakfast to go. I saw him and called out his name. He turned and walked over to say hello and sat down. It’s really not strange for me to see mason…he used to work in the Mission so our paths have crossed and I am at a place where I feel almost, genuinely happy to see him. It’s taken me a really long time to get to this place. He sat down and I reintroduced him to Chris. He seemed not to remember him at first, which was so strange. When we were married Chris was a source of contention between us. Despite my assurance of our strictly platonic friendship, Chris to Mason represented what he deemed a more suitable match for me. He would always tell me I should be with him or someone more like him. The crazy thing is despite how much I love Chris we are so completely not compatible as anything more than friends. He is not emotional enough for me. All day yesterday we kept joking about how he only has two emotions. Happy or mad. To him there are only two groups of people, the ones he likes and the ones he does not. I’m always happy to be on the like side. He’s a good guy to have in your corner. Mason suggested we come down and see his store. It’s just a few doors down from Outerlands. I had never been and of course I have always been somewhat curious. But I vowed the Sunset was he and his new wife’s stomping ground and have always just avoided it. It made me squeamish to think about going in. Years back, when BellJar had first opened, I was walking up 16th street and I saw Masons new dog, Macey, in front of The Candystore. This dog was a source of pain for me. Mason and I had gotten two dogs together and one of them was completely his. The dog and I never clicked but him and Mason were best of friends. When we split up I urged him to take his dog but he didn’t want him anymore. He told me to keep him and if I didn’t want him to take him to the shelter (which you all know I would never do). He immediately got a new dog with his new girlfriend, now wife. It just compounded my feeling of abandonment. Our whole family had been replaced. Of course it was not the new dogs fault and she is a really lovely little dog so I stopped to say hello. I looked around for Mason but didn’t see him anywhere. I decided to pop in to Candystore and say hi to all my shopgirl pals. As I walked in I immediately saw Masons new girlfriend. I did a brief hello and quickly took my leave. I stood on the sidewalk shaking until she walked out. She turned towards Mission with Macey and I started to follow her. My heart was firmly logged in my throat as I frantically tried to come up with a game plan. Would I stop her and yell at her? Just follow her for a few blocks? Thank god I quickly realized I was being insane and turned around and walked the other way. There was nothing I could rightfully say to her. I mean what? How much her and Masons actions hurt me? How damaged my trust was now because of it? Maybe tell her about all the horrible things he did to me? But then wouldn’t I have to tell her about the awful things I did to him? And in reality she had no real understanding of what my marriage to Mason was. She came in at the tail end when everything was falling apart. Hell to this day I can hardly make sense of it. And when it really came down to it, like Macey the dog, it wasn’t her fault. I headed back to the store. I had a photoshoot about to happen for 7x7 magazine and the photographer had already arrived. I walked in and just broke down crying, relaying the whole situation to her. Then I quickly grabbed the phone and called Mason screaming. I explained that the 16th and Mission was my hood, and that he needed to make sure she stayed away. I threatened all sorts of things that I’m sure effectively and rightfully had him shaking in his boots. Everytime I see the photo from that day I cringe. The first time I saw them together in the Mission was over a year later. It was at an art opening at Adobe Books. We just ignored eachother. The next time was maybe 6 months later. They were both in a group show at Pens and Needles on Masons Birhtday. By this time I was sick of being angry and tired of feeling awkward. I walked over after work, introduced myself to her, gave Mason a birthday card, looked at the art and then left. I felt good about the interaction and proud of myself. It’s was time to start letting go of the hurt; it was just eating me up inside. A few days later Mason texted me and thanked me. I obviously gave up on my self-proclaimed turf wars. Here they were hanging out on my street and not only that but having art openings. But I still held on to my end of the bargain. I have for 4 years, besides going to Chris’s house have stayed away from the Sunset, until yesterday. After chris and I finished our super delicious breakfast at Outerlands, we walked down to Mason’s store. It was charming. It was so Mason. It so crazy that If you look at my store and then you look at his, you can see how obviously different we are, but at the same time to me it still makes sense, that once we were in love. And its sad that our paths have moved in the same direction simultaneously but separate. Him and Chris chatted about architecture as I dug through the amazing selection of Indian rugs. I was surprised I did not see the new wife. I think I was a bit relieved. I knew it would feel awkward and at this point it was all surprisingly adult and almost even pleasant. Mason and I were being really civil and he and Chris were chatting like old friends. After digging through the carpets and completely falling in love with one of them I stood up to walk back to Chris and came face to face with her. All I could muster was, "hi, how are you?." I think she just said fine and rushed out of her store. I wanted to tell her how lovely her store was. I wanted to tell her how obvious it is that her and Mason are good together and in a way he and I could never be. I wanted something meaningful to happen but it was understandably uncomfortable and over in a few seconds. I decided it was time to get out of the Sunset and joked to Mason to let me know when the rugs were on sale for 50% off. He said, "for you - right now". I wasn’t sure if he was kidding but quickly found he wasn't. Apparently they were having and ex-wife discount special. I really had no intention on spending money in their store, but the gesture just seemed so thoughtful and I had been searching for an new rug for my living room. At 50% off the price was more than fair so I said yes and walked out of the shop with it. I felt pretty happy over all about the whole situation and Chris and I ran around for the rest of the day doing silly things like playing pinball at the Musee Mecanique and driving down Lombard Street. I finally headed home around 5 and put down my new carpet. I have to say, it really tied the room together. Later in the evening my friend Caitlen came over for a hang out and watch TV, girlfriend sesh. We had a lot to catch up on. Throughout my already intense day, to compound things, I was having a weird text exchange with a guy that I have recently gone on a few dates with. I started to recount the story of our brief interaction and just started to unjustifiably cry. It was just one of those really deep, sad sobs and I realized how affected I was by the days earlier events. I admittedly have been much slower to move on from all of this divorce stuff then I should. It still sneaks up on me at unexpected moments and causes me to sometimes be overly cautious with new people. I sat and stared at my new carpet, a carpet that Mason and I probably would have fought over when we first moved in together. Our décor tastes differed so much at the time. I would have thrown a fit over an Indian rug in our home. Yet here I was nearly 10 years later from when we first met, placing an Indian rug in my living room; the living room that was once ours and a rug that was provided by him and his new wife. I guess it is time to get on with it.

My dear friend Chrissy is writing an article for BoldItalic on the Food Wars, so last night I was invited to attend a special dinner where the chefs of the food wars made us their winning mac and cheese. AMAZING! I cant say much more you will have to wait for the article to come out. But it was a fab night spent around a huge dinning room table with really cool people. Got to catch up with my bestie Olivia and met some interesting new people. Towards the end of the night most of the people left and remaining was a small group of girls...we sat in Chrissy's beautiful living room and talked and giggled. It was one of those quintessential girl moments where were all a bit drunk on red wine...and we talked about boys and shoes and god knows what else but I woke up with sore stomach muscles from laughing so hard. My life has been moving in a direction lately that shows me that I am definitely, mostly on the right track. I'm surrounded now, more than ever, by the most inspirational people. Someone pinch me. I had visions of what my life would be like when I grew up. I was not one of those typical girls that dreamed of children, a husband, a nice suburban house with a Saab parked out front. I dreamed I would be a strong worthy human surrounded by other like minded and creative people. I imagined a life of fabulous art openings and dinner parties that involved that oh so witty conversation that can only be had between two intelligent happy humans. Look around Sasha, you are living your life...and it's the life you conjured up. Tonight a Russian themed dinner party! Oh my what will I wear? Definitely my fur hat.

Jory always points out that whenever I wish for something it comes true. It's not always huge things...it can be, I wish that order form Funktional would come in...and in will walk the fed-ex guy with Funktional. Or I'll be like, I wish this certain boy would call me and what do you know, my phone will ring and said boy will be on the other end. I try not to take advantage of it and be greedy. I try not to ask for more than I deserve. But Dammit I'm a good person and I work really, really hard so I fel like I deserve some really great stuff. There was a time in my life that I rarely received the things I desired. But at that time of my life I also did not believe that I deserved to get what I wanted. I was still having teenage angst carried over in to my twenties and just dealing with past traumas. Sometimes it's hard to see whats staring back at you in the mirror. I was pretty self destructive as a kid and all I could see was the chaos around me. Instead of the strong, amazingly talented person I already was, I saw a broken, damaged person staring back at me. It's amazing shedding all that shit and just getting on with life. During my days of being somewhat a disaster, I was still quietly working towards my goals, even if I did not recognize it at the time. I went to college...partied and fucked around the whole time, but still got amazingly good grades, graduated and somehow landed a job in the arts...I was still dating and drinking and being a bit of an asshole, but it never affected my work. I kept getting promoted/recruited for new amazing jobs, but at night I would go home and cry about all my personal drama. Work kept moving along famously, meanwhile I was married to the wrong guy, then got divorced from wrong guy, dated some other crappy guys and made a complete shamble of my personal life. All this ridiculousness gave me a chance to really examine all I had accomplished and how far I had come. I made a decision as my personal life was crumbling to just stop all the nonsense. I deserved to be happy, I deserved to be treated well and honestly I deserved to get whatever I really wanted. And from that day forward I pretty much have. I'm not saying it wasn't a little hard to change my frame of thought..but with a little practice I somehow reprogrammed my mind. Yay. It's not that I don't sometimes have disappointments in my life, but now I have the ability to step outside of those difficult situations and find meaning and or lessons that help me make better decisions in the future. We are all works in progress. Right? Examples- Well take dating... because you all know how much I LOVE talking about boys. Since my divorce I have yet to settle down seriously. I have gone through phases in my life where I wanted to be single, mostly because I was too messed up or angry to love another person. It was just easier to keep men at a distance. Well now I'm completely open to falling in love. But at the same time, I know that I deserve someone exceptional. Jory always jokes that Patty from Millionaire Matchmaker would hate me, because I'm too particular. But I know that I deserve an amazingly strong, sweet, intelligent guy that has passion for life the way that I do. Someone that works hard but enjoys life. And I also believe he will be cool and fashionable and come packaged in a way that will blow me away (keep in mind I have weird taste so I'm not asking for a model). But, I'm seriously way too happy with my life to settle for anything else than oddly perfect, as much as I would like to be in love. I'm holding out for that amazing knock you off your feet feeling that doesn't come along too often. In the meantime I have fun dating. Anyway...I'm really not one of those girls that worships rockstars. Musicians mostly get on my nerves, but I honestly think Jarvis Coker is the perfect guy for me and I'm totally wishing for us to meet and fall in love. I realized this when I was watching him on the South Bank Show. He was talking about this simple painted gray wall, and the perseverance of human intent and how failure can be heroic. It was like he climbed inside my head! If we hung out and he talked like that I would for once in my life just shut up and listen. So get on with it universe...let me have what I want. Or maybe just a less famous version. A quirky, wicked smart, hard working creative guy that looks good in tweed blazers and big glasses? YES PLEASE. Oh yeah and thank you amazing and wonderful life. Oh also I would like to get hired by this magazine to style one of their cover shoots! Mostly I just wanted to share these pictures with you all as I rambled on about myself. XO Darling

It's funny, our Mom's can tell us we beautiful all day long and on a bad day, we will still look in the mirror and see a zero. When a girl is in a slump there are few people that can say anything to make it feel better. Best girlfriends are trained to tell each-other how great they are. They are also trained to make up excuses about why a guy is being a dick..or dissing a girl. We are around to be each-others constant cheerleaders...but knowing this often takes away from the soothing power the words between ladies. When a boyfriend or even a potential boyfriend compliments a testy girl, it sometime can backfire. I know, girls are crazy. A boyfriend can say, "you look so amazing" and all we can hear is "you are a huge fat cow". If it's a new suitor it can often come out as, "I really am only interested in you for sex". All of which do not lift the fragile ego of a girl. I was feeling particularly icky last night, when unsolicited my best guy friend mentioned how great I have been looking. He asked me if I was still going to the gym a ton and when I said yes, he was like "yeah, I can tell you look so great". Amazingly my spirits were lifted. Guys don't don't just say things like that unless they really mean it, especially when its a guy that you are not romantically involved with. I'm not even going to get in the argument about weather or not girls and guys can be just friends. Me and my best guy friend have been friends for 15 years. I'm not saying there have not been some awkward situations fueled by possible sexual interest, but when all is said and done, he has been there for me through the thick and thin and he seems to be just about the only one that can knock sense in my head when I'm just being a silly, irrational girl. Plus sometimes he changes my light bulbs for me! So I'm just saying girls...get yourself a platonic boy bestie. No you can't have mine. But you can date him!!

Had a photoshoot for the website with the always amazing Matthew Reamer. The pictures look great so keep an eye out on the website for new stuff! It will be updated over the next few days. We also will be updating the jewelery section, but for now check out our new amazing Line Double Happiness So Pretty- I have also been working on some projects for the San Francisco Symphony, as well as doing some writing for the Bold Italic. Life is kinda crazy...but that how I like it. I got to meet up with the Chairwoman of the Symphony project at her house last week and all I can say is, Glamour. She lived in this amazing penthouse over looking Grace Cathedral. She had a door man and her House Attendant answered the door. The house was lovely with a marble enty way and a terrace off the front. Amazing. Maybe she has a son? Is it unprofessional to ask? Hmmm. So today doing some edits than off to the store to work on the web. Come in and check out all the new stuff from my last trip. The store looks amazing! Xo