Jory always points out that whenever I wish for something it comes true. It's not always huge things...it can be, I wish that order form Funktional would come in...and in will walk the fed-ex guy with Funktional. Or I'll be like, I wish this certain boy would call me and what do you know, my phone will ring and said boy will be on the other end. I try not to take advantage of it and be greedy. I try not to ask for more than I deserve. But Dammit I'm a good person and I work really, really hard so I fel like I deserve some really great stuff.
There was a time in my life that I rarely received the things I desired. But at that time of my life I also did not believe that I deserved to get what I wanted. I was still having teenage angst carried over in to my twenties and just dealing with past traumas. Sometimes it's hard to see whats staring back at you in the mirror. I was pretty self destructive as a kid and all I could see was the chaos around me. Instead of the strong, amazingly talented person I already was, I saw a broken, damaged person staring back at me. It's amazing shedding all that shit and just getting on with life.
During my days of being somewhat a disaster, I was still quietly working towards my goals, even if I did not recognize it at the time. I went to college...partied and fucked around the whole time, but still got amazingly good grades, graduated and somehow landed a job in the arts...I was still dating and drinking and being a bit of an asshole, but it never affected my work. I kept getting promoted/recruited for new amazing jobs, but at night I would go home and cry about all my personal drama. Work kept moving along famously, meanwhile I was married to the wrong guy, then got divorced from wrong guy, dated some other crappy guys and made a complete shamble of my personal life.
All this ridiculousness gave me a chance to really examine all I had accomplished and how far I had come. I made a decision as my personal life was crumbling to just stop all the nonsense. I deserved to be happy, I deserved to be treated well and honestly I deserved to get whatever I really wanted. And from that day forward I pretty much have. I'm not saying it wasn't a little hard to change my frame of thought..but with a little practice I somehow reprogrammed my mind. Yay.
It's not that I don't sometimes have disappointments in my life, but now I have the ability to step outside of those difficult situations and find meaning and or lessons that help me make better decisions in the future. We are all works in progress. Right?
Examples- Well take dating... because you all know how much I LOVE talking about boys. Since my divorce I have yet to settle down seriously. I have gone through phases in my life where I wanted to be single, mostly because I was too messed up or angry to love another person. It was just easier to keep men at a distance. Well now I'm completely open to falling in love. But at the same time, I know that I deserve someone exceptional. Jory always jokes that Patty from Millionaire Matchmaker would hate me, because I'm too particular. But I know that I deserve an amazingly strong, sweet, intelligent guy that has passion for life the way that I do. Someone that works hard but enjoys life. And I also believe he will be cool and fashionable and come packaged in a way that will blow me away (keep in mind I have weird taste so I'm not asking for a model). But, I'm seriously way too happy with my life to settle for anything else than oddly perfect, as much as I would like to be in love. I'm holding out for that amazing knock you off your feet feeling that doesn't come along too often. In the meantime I have fun dating.
Anyway...I'm really not one of those girls that worships rockstars. Musicians mostly get on my nerves, but I honestly think Jarvis Coker is the perfect guy for me and I'm totally wishing for us to meet and fall in love. I realized this when I was watching him on the South Bank Show. He was talking about this simple painted gray wall, and the perseverance of human intent and how failure can be heroic. It was like he climbed inside my head! If we hung out and he talked like that I would for once in my life just shut up and listen. So get on with it universe...let me have what I want. Or maybe just a less famous version. A quirky, wicked smart, hard working creative guy that looks good in tweed blazers and big glasses? YES PLEASE. Oh yeah and thank you amazing and wonderful life.
Oh also I would like to get hired by this magazine to style one of their cover shoots! Mostly I just wanted to share these pictures with you all as I rambled on about myself.