Sasha Darling & The BellJar Blog — Uncategorized

Fourmile Canyon Wildfire in Colorado- From Dlevins

We stayed on a Mountain I drew pictures of trees You said my trees looked twisted and angry There was too much beauty to capture I ran straight up hill in high-heel cowboy boots and you caught me as I fell walking down We saw white tail dear and agreed we could never hunt such a creatures then headed to the road house where we ate steaks You watched as I played dice with the locals and took all their money and danced with old cowboys you stayed close enough to make sure I was safe we walked around the bluff at night and talked about other worlds as we looked at the sky we rushed home as it grew colder you gave me your grandmothers quilt we drank whisky and stared at the fire I fell asleep on your shoulder and woke in your arms

As you touched the need in me to feel beautiful and free I watched as the trees grew closer and loomed then dissipated into tiny sticks leaning to one side I wanted you to reach so deep inside me till there was no room for what existed before But then I recalled you were a dream a brief passenger in my life and like the trees you could only be present then move further away

Sitting at Dolores Park with friends reading magazines I came upon an article in Sunset magazine...my ex-husband got married. Either that or his GF has decided to refer to him as "my husband". Either way, it was a weird way to find something like that out. I took a sip of my mimosa and tried to process how I felt about it. It was strange. I just kind of felt nothing. I don't even think about him or what he's doing, unless I happen to hear from him or run into him. The only emotion I could possibly attach to it, was, my constant fear of not succeeding and not being the best. Even though I was unhappy being married I was not about to be a "failed marriage" statistic. After it was over, it drove me to work harder because I could not stand to loose at something else. But oddly enough that instinct is starting to dissipate as well. I find myself focusing more and more on just being happy and less concerned with always being on top, having the best store, the next big successes and lately all I can really think about is simplifying my life, having less. Less to stress about, less to take care off, less to take on and simply more just living and doing things that make me feel whole and connected. I'm off to Marin to spend the day in the country...a little swimming hole time. I grew up swimming in rivers. I feel so connected to the mirky green water, the white washed smoothed river rocks and the looming redwoods that cast their shade below. I would choose the river over the ocean any day. I can't wait to feel the cool water on my horribly sunburned back (thanks Dolores Park)...and to lie in the rocky sand and stare at the sun gleaming between branches. Today my soul is full.