When I was a senior in highschool at the end of the year they had all the seniors do this thing called the last will and testament and then ran it in the student newspaper (that i was a writer for and got awarded senior of the year for my staff writing! Go little young me! ).
Anyway it was just a little blurb where you left theoretical items to your teachers and classmates. For example; to suzy I leave my pom pom's and the best year ever, and other tedious things.
My last will and Testament went something like this...I leave some random things to a few people that I actually connected with and cared about in highschool. I'm pretty sure that included my drama teacher, my student newspaper teacher Mr Lawler, as well as well as a few things to some Girlfriends. And here is the real bratty part. "To the rest of you I leave nothing. Just knowing me was enough. And later in life when I'm so famous that Sasha has become a household name like, Madonna, and I own a chain of hotels, a clothing line, have my own talk show and have written a bestselling memoir, I will look back at you all, with your 2.5 children and your job at the mill, and just laugh."
I know what a jerk. But let me tell you what I like about this. I had so much determination and confidence from a very young age. I also had a burning anger at those I felt were ordinary or unjust in some way. That is definitely something that has both motivated me as well as worked against me. (more on that later).
The confidence part of this statement, when I look back is really very amazing. There wasn't much in my life to be confident about. I came from a very dysfunctional home. I had spent much time bouncing around from family to family. Sometimes living with kind people that took me in, sometimes living with other messed up disenfranchised kids. I had experienced quite a bit of trauma by time I was a senior in highschool. It's actually amazing that I even graduated, let alone had a burning fire in me for success. A desire and a self knowledge that I was worthy of greatness. That knowledge came from some deep spiritual place. That was my souls desire. And that fire kept me alive and pushed me through many challenging times.
I believe there are two things that really shape and mold our life. One is the souls purpose. The deep unconscious voice that speaks to us in hard times and keeps us going. The karmic understanding of our destiny. This is the voice that we must learn to lean into and let guide us, but often, very difficult to access because of the other learned voices we pick up along the way.
The other voices or rather learned tools, have many names. Defense mechanisms, personality defects, trauma, resentments, our mind. No matter what you call these tools they are sometimes essential to our survival when young. For example. I am very very emotional. I cry easily. I'm sensitive. I care deeply about other people, animals, the state of the world and so on. Being so sensitive and living in an abusive home was not ideal. So I had to build a very tough exterior to survive my childhood. It was MANDATORY. It's the part of the above Will and Testament that made me act snotty and bratty to the other students. I had to be tough to survive my family. I was a weirdo and an outcast in reaction to my upbringing, so I needed to be outwardly strong and defensive, to make it through school and the constant bullying from people. I needed my defenses desperately.
But as I have grown and matured and done so, so, so so much work on myself, I have outgrown the need for these kinds of tools. I work hard everyday to lean into my souls desire. To lean into the alignment of my truth. To recognize my true purpose is. My soul has always wanted to be big and magical and kind and loving. My soul has always wanted to inspire and be known; to be recognized. I have had to work really hard to reprogram myself and to get back to my true authenticity. To shed the negativity that once kept me alive and protected me for so many years but no longer serves me. I had to shed that programming so that I could travel my truest most inspiring path. It feels as if I am on the right path these days and I hope you are as well. I can't wait to see you all along the way. I promise to try and not be bratty, but trust me, it still sneaks into the crevices sometimes. :)
From sweet sensitive Sasha to angry goth teenager :)
