God yo

Hello you all-

I'm out her in Joshua Tree while Airbanb does a final home check! I got approved to be art of Airbandb Plus which s so ahhhhmazzing! I really love having and running vacation homes and beautiful spaces that I can share with other people. It is one of my true passions and one that I'm looking at more as I map out my future. If there is one gift that I know I have, it is the gift of making lovely spaces that people connect with. Spaces that make people feel good. I really want to look at that, embrace it and use it as a way both to connect with others and provide for myself. So this is a step in the right direction. The airbandb photographer told me he has shot like 40 places out here in Joshua Tree and so far only four have been approved. Feels like a clear signal that God and Source and Universe agrees this is a good path for me.

And so lets talk abut my use of the word God.  When I first got sober and I would go to AA meetings where people would talk about God and higher power, I would literally feel angry!! I hated that word and I was pretty sure I was going to get indoctrinated into some Judo/Christianity cult. I was totally irked and annoyed and pissed off. But I was also sad. I was also broken. I also felt completely unlovable, worthless and desperate. So I stayed. Because I did not know where else to go. I had tried therapy, yoga, healers, tarot readers, psychedelic drugs, drinking more, abstaining form alcohol, getting married, getting divorced, buying a home, quitting my job, starting a business, moving to a new city and on and on and none of it was working. I couldn't figure out why I had such a huge gaping hole in my heart. And honestly you guys, I didn't even drink that much. I drank about as much as your average drinker. A few drinks a day. Some nights too many. Some-days none at all. But I was just broken and having (i didn't know it at the time) a spiritual bottom. I needed a life that was more meaningful, but what I thought was meaningful was totally out of whack. Honestly what I needed to fill that hole was God and other humans. I'm sure you all are thinking...yep she got abducted by the old AA and is now some religious freak. They got her.

But here is the thing. I think at our base and at our source we all want to know God (call it whatever you want). We want connectivity, we want love, we want life to feel meaningful, we just can't figure out how the hell to do it, because we are raised in the dysfunctional system (paradigm) that rips us away from connectivity and makes all the things that separate us from eachother and ourselves, our Gods; money, fame, looks, success, sex, being better than everyone, being the winner, getting more more more at all cost. And don't get me wrong, all of these things are great in alignment, but when they become the source of all of our inspiration, we end up so disconnected and out of whack, that we can't understand why we have everything we ever were taught we should want and are still miserable. And the reason is simple, our # one priority should be a connection to ourselves, to source to others and to God. When we start there everything else will fall into place.

I learned this lesson big time in my own. After growing up in a pretty chaotic home, I had this vision of my life where I could finally be in control and be happy. This vision included a great career where I made a ton of money doing something creative, was married to a good looking man, had a home, a nice car and to travel frequently. And by time I was 30 I pretty much had all those things. And I was still miserable. It eventually all fell apart and I decided to make a huge life shift. I quit my job and started BellJar. I had always believed I was meant to follow my own creative voice and if I did this, I would finally be happy! And it worked, for a few years until it didn't anymore. Once again I had created my vision of my life and felt empty.

This is when I moved away to LA. I was convinced I just needed a change of scenery and then I would fell better. But I didn't. This is when I finally crawled into AA broken and sad and angry at a God I DID NOT BELIEVE IN.

And I stayed and I listened and I did the things, that those weird people told me to do. Slowly I started to let in a sliver of light. I decided it was ok to say higher power and think of the trees as my higher power. And that literally was all it took for me to start to grow and heal. Here I am, I think, 8 years later, throwing the God bomb around like it's nothing. And no I am not religious. I am not a member of any religion, I am deeply spiritual and have a wonderful connection to my source. But also, I no longer have resentment towards any and/or all walks of spirituality and/or the word God. Whatever gives you peace and whatever connects you to LOVE I am down with it. Now if your God speaks to you of hate, separation and judgment, I'm not down with that brand of God. If your religion tells you you are righteous or better, I'm not signing up for that plan. If you think of God as vengeful or hateful, well that is not my God. My God is the universe and the tress and the stars and all the planets and all the people and all the creatures and God is me and God is you and on my best days I love you and me and everything (everyday is not necessarily my best day).

Letting just a little bit of God in was really all I needed to get on the right path. I still desire money, I still want success, I still feel like I need to be known and to be seen and to have a husband and a nice car and a nice home, but what I want more than anything is a connection to my source. To be in the rhythm of the universe. To know God. And on the days that I can start there, on the days that I can really remember what it is, that feeds me and my soul, well it's on these days that I know a glimmer of what peace feels like. Usually it feels like being in the cosmic flow of energy while eating a giant big hot fudge Sunday,  while being embraced by pure grace and love and a hot guy that looks like Elvis. Sign me up for that forever...

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