So guess what time I usually get up? between 4am and 5am. I know crazy right? I used to fight it and try to stay in bed till at least 6:30 but now I have embraced it and just get up early and do all my spiritual work. Which works out perfectly with me getting deeper into Kundalini Yoga recently. In this practice you are supposed to do a Sadna, a personal practice, before the sun comes up. So I have been implementing this into my life. I really, really love the early morning, which is so crazy. If you had known me in my 20's I was a total night owl and could easily sleep all day.
My most recent relationship was with a man who stayed up till around midnight to 2 am most nights and the earliest he realistically liked to get up was 9 am but could easily sleep till 11. We have been broken up for over a year and it seems wild to me now that I would even try to date someone that keeps such different hours and has such a vastly different lifestyle than me. I mean, obviously it didn't work out but we gave it pretty good try despite never really flowing properly.
Lately I have been working on calling in my perfect partner and besides needing to have somewhat of a similar (not exact) sleeping pattern, I definitely am looking for someone that has some sort of interior spiritual life and someone who is much more grounded than the men that I used to date. I have always dated alcoholics. This has something to do with my upbringing I'm sure, but I also think most people with addiction are very deep humans that struggle with all their feelings. So I was already on the right track of choosing the right partner dating people with addiction. I just need to find a person that instead of using outside things to deal with their huge artistic and emotional depth, has found a healthy way to embrace and expand these gifts. That is the path I have been on for the past 11 years and I have made immense strides. I really feel like I am becoming very grounded and a person that I am proud to be!
I remember, right before my 29th birthday, sitting in my apartment in SF drinking a bottle of wine and crying on the phone to a best friend about how embarrassed I was about what a crappy person I was. I kept saying, I'm almost 30 and I expected I would be so much more than I am. Little did I know that in that moment I was setting myself on a trajectory towards change.
Trust me it has been a slow process...and I'm just now some 15 years later getting closer. But I truly have self esteem these days, because I live my life in an honest esteemable manor. Yes sometimes I fuck up, but I do not have a hard time admitting that I fucked up nor do I have any issue with quickly amending things and I always try to do better. What else can a girl do?
Anyway I'm pretty sure he is coming. I'm pretty sure all sorts of amazing things are just around the corner for me. But in the meantime I'm just gonna go to the flea market and find some pretty dresses for the shop :)
