Whip Me, Beat Me

I wish I had fallen in love when I was a teenager. I wish I had been one of those rare special humans that found her missing piece just as life begin to rise and grow and change. I wish I had allowed people in to see all my disgustingly horrible, dark, hollow insides seated comfortably beside my sunshiny goodness. I wish I had grown, and learned and become wise with another humane by my side, both of us wandering aimlessly or twisting around like two massive oak tress swaying gently on a northern skyline. I wish I had been naive, and pure of heart. I wish I had been both simple and complex. I wish I had not taken so long to work out my kinks. Sometimes I fear it's just too late. I endured too much, I adapted to being a hidden character piling on masks to shield myself from the audience. I'm resigned to my existence. I'm happier sitting here alone, with my books and colored pencils. Away from the outside. I don't want to let it in. It might be time to run away and hide in the trees. Smothered and sweating...sometimes I just feel too old. All those dreams of everlasting love and soul mates; let's leave it for the kids with their cotton candy dreams and naive hearts. Just leave it alone. And let me be. I had too adventurous of a heart. I spent my days gobbling up life, lusting after the unknown with a terrible unquenchable thirst. I dreamed so big, I could hardly contain my thoughts; I've been an overflowing cup, a fountain to rival Trevi. My insides moved so swiftly I got lost inside my own head. I felt as if I could never allow someone else to keep up. I collected experiences like a child collects stickers and places them in a book to fade and curl at the edges. And now here I am safe and warm. I'm almost comforted by knowing that I may have missed my train. I'll see you in the next life and "we" will try harder next time. Or maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see the world through the eyes of the 13 year old me full of hope and passion for life. Maybe the rain is just getting me down. I'm probably just being melodramatic. I've been known to be that way. Maybe I'm just full of it. Yeah that's probably it. Just ignore this post. Thanks.

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