Oh to Be Free Again

I still speak to my boyfriend from highschool almost weekly. He never forgets a birthday, a holiday and somehow he still knows exactly what to say to make me feel better when I'm blue. He uses words like fabulous, dazzling and darling to describe me, and constantly reminds me that there is no girl in this world that holds a candle to me. I met him when I was 14 while on summer vacation visiting my Dad. He was in a band, much older and much cooler than me. I asked him for his address and started sending him unsolicited love letters when my summer vacation came to an end. I'm sure at first he found my silly and trite as there was no evidence that he shared my admiration. Later that year I moved to my Dad's. I was still so enamored by him that I started calling him, pursuing him non stop. He had a girlfriend at the time, but it made no difference. In my persistent teenage mind he was the one I wanted and I would stop at nothing to win his affections. Even if i meant just being patient. It took about a year for him and his girlfriend to break up. I was almost 16 when we started to go out. He managed Fox Theaters back then and we used to talk on the phone for hours while he was at work. When I was teenager I could spend half my life on a phone, but now my communication has been reduced to a few random texts. I miss the closeness of the phone. I wish men still knew how to pick and dial. We dated on and off all through my high-school days, despite his friends constant taunting in regards to dating a teenager.Towards the end of our time together he as old enough to go to bars and I was still a Senior in high-school. It made no difference; we were connected. But, what I remember most from our time together is; this was the last time I can recall being completely fearless in regards to love. I had no hangups around being vulnerable. I was never concerned with looking weak or needy. I told him how I felt, I told him what I wanted, unabashedly and repetitively. In the end my persistence paid off and some 20 years later he and I are still an important part of each-others lives. When we speak, sometimes I don't recognize the girl interacting with him. She is open, calm, sweet, vulnerable, disarming, confident and assured in a way I never am with other men. When I start to fall for someone now, what I feel instead is a gripping fear that makes me almost cold or indifferent in my delivery. When I'm not getting what I want, I tend to give off the vibe I really don't care. Even when I really, really do. It seems that the scars of life have built a layer around me that have made it almost impossible to open up the way I did with Robert..back when I was young and free and brazen in my quest to be loved. It's strange how twisted and unknown aspects of our lives can become. I can still see and feel my young carefree heart, but somehow it's guarded buy this unknown and unwanted wire of protection. I want someone to look beyond my walls and see a charming, unafraid adventurous heart. For the right person it would be incredibly simple to move beyond these barriers. And as I'm sure my high-school boyfriend will attest; its a magical, beautiful, sunshiny place to reside.

Share this post