I’ve been having those sinking, icky feelings of the mean reds, although they aren't exactly the mean reds, because the reds are more when you can't exactly explain why you are sad; a lost feeling without concrete reasons.
Today I have concrete reasons.
I tend to be an eternal optimist and I have many reasons to be so. Things always work out for me in the end. Sitting around stressing out about life's little problems is counter productive. I remind myself daily that the universe will provide and I go about my life, happily. Thanks universe.
But today my hormones are out of whack or something, I’ve been sick and things have been particularly precarious recently. The move to LA leaves me dealing with a ton of unexpected things, the shop has been unseasonably slow, I've had some bad blows in the family arena and I'm just tired.
I woke up this morning and re-read email and skype exchanges between me and my long lost love, that I nearly reconnected with this summer. After a completely emotional and movie like, romantic meeting, we were both struck by the desire of running off into the sunset together. But sadly the pressures of our vastly different lives, proved way to difficult to navigate and 12 years of wanting, quickly disintegrated into another one of life's little disappointments.
In typical Sasha Darling style I was able to catalog it away into the dark nether regions of my mind and move on, but for some reason, this morning, I wanted to torture myself and reopen the whole can of worms emotionally. I lied in bed reading our exchanges on my little iPhone and just cried while the dogs looked on with concern. I swear those iphones create more problems then they do good. It's way to easy to access upsetting information; even while lying in ones own bed. When I was in high school my dad cancelled the newspaper and cable to keep me from obsessing over all the bad news they contained. Maybe I should reap his wisdom and get rid of my stupid "smart phone" too.
After getting myself all in a tizzy about something that is beyond my control, I decided I should call my mother, which is me begging to find reasons to feel upset. My mother, god bless her soul, is an amazing woman but also one of the biggest pessimist on earth. She loves to complain about the government, big corporation, the way they have destroyed the family structure and the working class, modern life, my lack of health insurance, racial injustice, pollution, third world countries, our poisonous food industry and just about anything else you can think of. She basically surmises it as hopeless and feels human life needs to end as we know it and start fresh. She makes a very valid case and I agree with a lot that she says, but if I could deal with information like this, I would read the newspapper and or watch the news. I can't. I rather like my optimistic head in the sand way of living. The world doesn't need me sitting around feeling all doomy and gloomy about the banking situation or the problems in the middle east or all the sad dying little puppies and kittens in the shelters etc. Believe me, I could easily get sucked into all of this sadness quite easily. For me, it’s a slippery slope. But I believe that I'm a more useful citizen of the world, when my spirits are high and I can spread good will through cheery optimism and creativity. Through my good mental health, I pay my debt to society, by bringing beauty and happiness to the people that surround me and this is a very profound thing to offer. I also know I am uniquely suited for it.
But today for the first time in a long time...I just wanted to go there. So after an hour long conversation with my mom about all the worlds issues and all of our family's issues and how basically it all just needs to end and start over for there to be any real chance at world peace, I'm in a complete state of upset and sitting on my couch watching reruns of sex in the city and looking at pictures of poor sad animals in shelters, which is a sure sign that I'm depressed and an even surer sign that I’m probably going to end up with another pit-bull.
So there you go. A little peek into the dark crevices of my otherwise generally bright and airy thoughts. I guess you can't truly recognize the worlds loveliness in its entirety, when you don't take a moment or two to recognize and acknowledge the icky gross darkness.
But in the wise words of that little ole Orphan Annie, the biggest optimist of all, “the sun will come out tomorrow”, and look how things panned out for her?
