I have a gift for analyzing myself. 11 years as an awkward, introspective child, 8 years as a despondent teenage goth girl, 3.5 years as a psyche major another 6 as an art student have left me over-indulgent in my obsession with self understanding. I have since freed myself from the shackles of long nights lying awake, dissecting every aspect of myself down to every snappy little cell bursting to break free from my self-inflicted cage of over analyzation.
All those years of getting to know myself have left me with an ability to break down the patterns of my life and inspect why I continue on certain wrong paths. I'm hyper-aware of self-destructive behavior and have learned to redirect my energy in more positive ways.
My mother always lived her life in a haphazard sort of way. Dragging me from one adventure to the next, with no real plan in place. When things went wrong she did not look at the big question? What role did my behavior have in creating this situation? She just moved on without looking back right into the next crazy situation.
Growing up in this manor, has made me fearless, adventurous but absolutely over self-aware. Some may self-obsessed. It's also made me guarded. Before I ever get to know someone, I start analyzing their personality and I inspect how it makes me react. If I see even the slightest sign that they may interact with me in a way that I may find damaging, I completely close myself off.
Despite my cheery disposition, which is almost completely real, as I have found a way to control my world and make it happy and safe, getting beyond that point with me, the point of simple fun and witty banter, is nearly impossible.
But certain people walk into my life and their behaviors are so in synche with mine, that I just can completely relax, let the guard down. It happens infrequently, but when it does, it's so magical. With these people I am at my very best. I'm kind, warm, creative, funny and charming. In my dreams I live in a world filled with these people. I like to joke that I want to buy my own town and fill it with only the most creative and lovely humans, especially selected by me. It will be called Darlingville and it will be better than Dollywood.
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