To die for

girl with a gun 1 It's Saturday night, and I'm sitting at home half staring at an AMC marathon about gun slinging men that go on killing sprees and take their ladies along for the ride. It started with Bonnie and Clyde which inspired my last post in-between cooking my killer, vegi chili. Then Badlands starring extraordinarily creepy, Sissy Spacek and an incredibly hot, young Martin Sheen. Now it's the old classic Gun Crazy. I have only been half paying attention as I do little things around the house...that's mostly how I watch T.V. I have ADD and cant focus on anything long enough to truly absorb any deep meanings or message, but what I have surmised from 6 hours of bang bang and passionate kissing is, some chicks adore their dudes so much, that they will follow them around the country killing. I know to some of you, this might not sound too profound, but to me it's so completely baffling, that it's leading me to an existential crisis. You can ask any of my exes...they could hardly get me to follow them down the block for ice-cream. They certainly could not get me to run around the country on a killing spree. I mean killing just goes against the basic nature of a girl, so what kind of action could a guy offer, to get a girl to run around shooting people? Not that I want to kill anyone, but I would like to know what it feels like to be so passionate about a person, that I would actually kill for them. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just so totally detached and separated from the rest of the world. I mean I have felt a lot of emotions around relationships. Things like frustration, anger, annoyance, jealousy, lust, abandonment, insecurity, detachment, indifference, heartbreak, loss, comfort, boredom. But these things aren't love. They are the antithesis of love. They are the destroyers of love. I wonder if a younger Sasha had passionate real love? Maybe I just somehow blocked it from my memory in order to deal with the fact that I'm emotionally handicapped at this point. I see couples walking down the street nuzzling there noses in each-others necks, holding hands and giggling and I think, I want THAT...but somehow I'm just incapable of dealing with THAT. Even when I was married, my husband accused me constantly of being cold, unaffectionate, hiding behind work in order to not have to deal with my feelings.I thought that the year leading up to the store and what came after was going to be the cure all to my issues. I would focus on myself and what makes me happy and then I would be able to make someone else happy, but instead I have just become even more self focussed and distant. I'm even more obsessed with work, less able to open up and almost completely paralyzed by being out socially. I'm fine when I'm at the shop, or with close friends, but at other social events, inside I am silently screaming and dying to just get out and go home. For those of you that know me socially, or even those of you that know me through the store, this will seem shocking as I am so warm and cheerful, but thats's because we are not lovers. With my lovers I am left feeling cold and empty, bereft. And only when I'm in a situation that is familiar, do I feel at ease. All of this has been even more amplified lately because I have not been drinking. The great lubricator has been unavailable to me, so I'm left to sit here and contemplate how I have never met a guy I would kill for. I really should just go out...but I just don't want to. I want to stay home and cook and talk and chain smoke. How come no-one in San Francisco cooks anymore? How come nobody has dinner parties or wears high heels and real french perfume? How come I'm not surrounded by suspender clad boys that write deep, meaningful passages and like to eat bloody, rare steaks and a good baked potato? How come we all can't just sit around my fireplace, while some bearded guy plays the guitar like my parents used to do? Let's just all go back...back to the beginning.

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