Navigating This Terrain

Had an eye-opening day yesterday, that involved a lot of talk about me and my art, and why I don't paint anymore. It's so interesting how topics of conversation seem to flow like a stream of consciences from one group of people to the next. And the big question on my friends minds is "why don't you paint, Sasha?". It's also odd, because on my own, I have also been thinking a lot about the reasons that I stopped making art, and why there is this big fear around starting again. When I got married and settled down into that supposed white picket fence dream life, I had it in my mind that certain material possessions and career accomplishments were the things that would give me peace. SO, I worked hard, climbed that ladder, had the husband, the car, the house but my art suffered. My ex-husband continued with his art the whole time and it made me jealous, but rather than paint with him I would just take on more freelance and work so that I could have more money and more things. It all seems so absurd to me now. Once I had everything I thought could make me happy, I realized I was just a shell of the former vivacious, creative Sasha, and I was so terribly miserable that I had to reevaluate my whole life. That was a amazing process. I quit my big-time job, separated and spent a year doing nothing but getting inspired and finding my creative voice again. In that year BellJar was born and so began my new exciting life, a life fulfilled. Had I not plummeted into that painful, hollow time I don't know if I would have ever been propelled into the life I live now. I do not regret my choices as they have brought me to where I am today. But this still does not answer, why don't I paint? I think at this point it's fear that's holding me back. I'm surrounded by so many great talents, and the community is so supportive of me and my little gallery, that I almost feel like I could never live up to the standards I have set for myself. I am indeed my own worst enemy. The other reason is I don't feel inspired to paint anything in particular. I can't think of a subject matter that really turns me on right now. That being said, I think I'm gonna just start setting up some still life's and just get back in to it...not worry about the outcome, just enjoy the process again. Reteach myself and then see if I can, yet again, reinvent myself and delve even deeper into this amazingly, breathtakingly beautiful life I have created for myself! Sasha Darling Solo Show? 2011. Ya just never know.

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