Sasha Darling & The BellJar Blog — Uncategorized

Last night I had fever induced dreams about a love, long since past. No, they were not those kinds of dreams...get your mind out of the gutter. But in my dreams, I was back in high school and had to lie my way out of the house to attend my best friends wedding...which makes no sense. My ex-boyfriend and his best friend were in attendance at the event. I had not seen him in at least 12 years and we took one look at each other and were madly in love all over again. I kept waking up and telling myself it was only a dream, to switch gears and dream about something else. My self-conscience had something else in mind. It went on for about 4 hours and consisted of long deep heart felt conversations about our unrequited love, our impending future and all the time lost. Memories of the night we fell in love came rushing in. I recalled his tales of growing up with his mother in the South of France, his closeness with his brother and vivid descriptions of their life, told with his quirky British accent, as we watched the morning sun flood through my lace curtains, having talked all night. It was a dream swirling with anticipation and regret. I woke feeling love sick and all day long he has been on my mind. I always wonder when these things happen if somehow cosmically the universe is trying to tell me something, or if maybe he too dreamed about me and for a moment we were connected in a different realm. I could not help myself from stalking his facebook page today for a glimpse into his current life that exists without me. I always find it so curious that dreams can be so powerful and real. They can bring feelings rushing to the surface that have long since been laid to rest. Somedays I wish I could find a waking place where I could live out these moments and capture these feelings in my real life. Or else I may just slowly sink into my dreams forever...

Before I opened the store, I had fallen into a life, that by my standards was mundane and average. There were still night life and art openings and days spent in the bay areas majestic beaches or mountains. There were still the yearly vacations to a far off exotic land filled with rich new experiences, but more often than not I had slipped into a life that consisted of a mundane routine: Wake up, work, gym, cook dinner, watch T.V., read, sleep, repeat. I got such a huge rush from throwing it all away to risk all my years of hard work and savings to following my dreams. BellJar was conceived and erected. It was such an exciting time. Everyday rang with promise of creative endeavors. The risk was exhilarating, the unknown was a gift of a full life. Now three years into my dreams, I'm wondering if I'm not somewhat of a thrill junkie. Running the business has become a serious of calculated tasks that at this point feel mundane. The risk feels daunting and the unknown feels like the sinking feeling of responsibility. I dream of giving it all up and running away to Paris. Days filled with rich foods, thick dark coffee and lovely sweet, full wine is what I crave. I want to be seen clomping around in ridiculous high heels and hermes scarves while chain smoking in Paris's uneven streets. I dream of nights filled with leaky old plumbing in small dark apartments leaning precariously over cobblestone alley way's, filled with spotted cats. I have had this urge since I was old enough to walk. Europe has been a over romanticized dream of mine forever. A dream that forever keeps me moving forward in a life where only I, secretly know, that I am somehow unique, special and different than the rest off the rickety gray souls that board the 7:45 train, daily. I wonder if I took another leap, and just picked up and left, if my childhood dreams would also become just another task completed and forever filled away as one of life's daily duties. If even Paris could become another road-stop before my real life begins.