I have been in LA nearly two months now. I'm getting settled, feeling sure footed, figuring my life out. It's strange, in a very outwardly way, I feel as if not much has changed and that this was not a very drastic thing to do; to run away to LA. I have a ton of really great friends down here, I adore the weather, my apartment is lovely, the dogs and I love the hiking and nature it all seems to be falling in place.
But then, I have been suffering from my not knowing exactly what I'm doing here. I have felt a little lost and I'm not used to that. I'm generally very clear in my direction. I know exactly what I want to do and then I just do it. But I have gone back and fourth since I've been here. Do I open a store? Do I get a full time job doing design? Do I start working full time as a stylist. The more and more I searched for the answer the more stressed out I have felt. And then all these personal issues started to come up.
The holidays are generally a hard time for everyone, but all of a sudden I was having this huge massive sadness over the failure of my marriage and how damaged I'm afraid I have become. Emotionally cut off. Distant...and I just have been have these late night's of self analyzing and just thinking way too much about so many things. Things that at this point, are rather insignificant in my life. But it was just easier to stress on the past than deal with my now. I even called my ex husband and cried on the phone to him for like an hour. It was cathartic and I feel relieved that after everything we went through (and believe me it was bad), that we can still have a real conversation and be there for each-other on some level.
Meanwhile I have been working nearly full time doing some assisting work for a well known stylist down here. It's been so long since I have been accountable to someone else and also away from my dogs for like 10 to 12 hours a day. I'm also so used to being the boss...everyone knows I like being in control. It's not a power thing. I think I'm more creative and have a clearer vision when I'm able to make my own decisions. This is why I give my employes so much freedom. As long as they deliver I'm pretty hands off. I know this is how creative people really get inspired to work hard and do a great job.
With all this change and new experiences and self analyzing and being in unsure situations, all of a sudden this week it all just came to head and I spent two days crying every time anyone asked if I was ok. On my drive to work I had tears streaming down my face.
But the good news is...not only do I feel better, I know what I want to do. I always have to uproot myself a bit, push myself into difficult situations, become somewhat emotional and lost feeling to find answers. This seems to be my process. But after an exciting adventures and somewhat stressful few months I have decided what I was meant to do! I am going to start a product line! Home decor to start. Candles, pillows, gadgets etc. So come January me and my new business partner will start development! I'm so excited and I feel so inspired once again. We had dinner last night and talked about everything and brainstormed. So fabulous. We will have a new studio to work out of come January and I'm seriously so excited to cover one whole wall with cork board and just start pinning all my inspiration everywhere! It feels so liberating to have a dream again. It's been a while and I'm so relieved I ran away to LA in search of new opportunities.
Anyway Merc retrograde just ended...yeah yeah I know I'm such a silly hippie...but so glad it's gone. It always hits me so hard. With open arms I welcome the age of Aquarius. Things are going to be ohhh so lovely.
